The Sister Of Ursula (1978)
Here we go again..another Severin Films release...THE SISTER OF URSULA! Now don't go getting your habits in a knot, this isn't some late 70s nunsploitation flick like KILLER NUN or BEHIND THE CONVENT WALLS (or even anything near as cool as the 1981 American made, MS. 45), but just your below-average Italian thriller...meaning, plot-lite, sex-heavy, kind of messy, and not all together unwatchable. Severin has a way of promising a little bit more than the films can deliver in the descriptions of their releases. I get that they want to move some units, but the back of the box for URSULA promises "...an infamous slice of EuroSleaze that repeatedly thrusts at the abyss of bad taste." and "...eye-popping combination of delectable sexploitation and vicious giallo". I guess that's better than saying, "there's really not any blood in this picture, but if you want to see lots of boobs and bush, this is the one for you!"
To be fair, my eyes did pop when Vanni Materassi totally gave Yvonne Harlow a rim job...but I'm getting ahead of myself. So who is Ursula's sister? Why it's Dagmar (ZOMBI 2's Stefania D'Amario), the sex obsessed, chain smoking, garter belt wearing chick, us younger men wouldn't have minded having for a babysitter back in 1978. She's dragged her distraught and moody sister Ursula (Barbara Magnolfi from SUSPIRIA) to some fancy hotel for some such reason...I think it was to track down their mother so they could give her a cut of dear old dead dad's inheritance. Ursula's not so keen on the idea since it's mom's fault their dad had a nervous breakdown...causing his impotence...leading to his suicide. But then again, Dagmar doesn't seem too into finding mom either. None of it really matters though and the hotel is just an excuse to meet up with our cast of sex crazed Italian characters.
There's hotel manager Roberto (ass muncher, Vanni Materassi), his lesbian-ish wife, Vanessa (bra hater, Anna Zinnemann), mysterious Filippo (Marc Porel), sultry singer, Stella Shining (anilingus recipient Yvonne Harlow), and Jenny (Antiniska Nemour...who's obviously not afraid to flash the vaj...she's been in THE TEENAGE PROSTITUTION RACKET, SALO, and CALIGULA REINCARNATED AS HITLER...actually, I'm not even sure she's naked in those movies, but she sure is in this one!). Then there's some other no names who are just around to get naked and then get dead.
You see, a black gloved maniac is hanging around the hotel paying couples to watch them have sex. The women usually seem to recognize our killer and don't mind the whole "hide behind the curtains until my lover leaves" bit until they catch a glimpse of what's between our killer's legs. What is it? We don't know for sure, but if the pained expression on our victim's faces and the gigantic silhouette of an erect cock are any indication...I'd say it's a three foot penis....and unfortunately, I'd be wrong. But the film tries real hard to make you think the killer is fucking these girls to death with the biggest dick this side of John Holmes. Seriously...when you find out that the eviscerating penis is really a wooden dildo no bigger than a tall boy of Lone Star beer, you'll be just as disappointed as I was.
My main complaint though, were the nonexistent murder scenes....Director, Enzo Milioni, spent so much time on the sex scenes he lost his erection for the kills. You don't go getting the audience all worked up with blow jobs, cunnilingus, and mutual masturbation then not give us the money shot! For shame, Enzo...for shame. I demand blood and you pussed out, leaving me totally frustrated and unfulfilled in the "death by dildo" department. I know, I know, I just spoiled the whole movie for you by spilling the beans on the dildo thing...but the back of the box does that anyway...besides, I didn't tell you that Filippo is an undercover cop working on busting open Roberto and Stella's heroin operation, or that Ursula's post-traumatic psychic abilities have driven her mad and she's really the dildo wielding killer...
Oh shit. Um.....so there you have it. If you want to see some naked chicks but don't want to be bothered with all that messy blood, THE SISTER OF URSULA is the film for you! Or if you're feeling a bit more adventurous, there's always Jim Powers' THE TEXAS DILDO MASQUERADE...
Moon Boy