COUSIN GIACOMO'S TAPES FROM THE GARAGE PRESENTS:
I, THE JURY
Hiya Kids! Cousin Giacomo here. I'm currently going through a , how you say cattivo divorzio, a castrating difficoltà , a marriage no good. It's my forth one so whatcha gonna do. So I live in my cousin's garage for now, kinda like Nick Nolte. So my cousin says, "hey Giacomo. If you're gonna be sleepin' in my garage all day, how bout watching some old videotapes and writing something about em. Okey dokey I say, I mean whya not?
First we have Mr. Armand Assante in I, THE JURY. This isa pretty good show. Playing the tiniest Mike Hammer you ever did see, Mr. Assante walks around with his chest stuck out a lot, like a tough guy. His one armed war buddy gets shotta dead in the guts and Mike tries to find the guy who did it. Laurene Landon of HUNDRA plays Velda and Pat Sorvino is Pat Chambers. I gotta a note from my cousin that was stucka on some old paint cans in the garage says screenplay by Larry Cohen and Mickey Spillane. So, Hammer investigates sex clinic run by ass hot sexy foxy pice della donna Barbara Carrera where men learn how to get a hard penisio. Some creepy looking guy who got a thing for Lucille Ball is killing chicks. He's some kinda James Bondo killing agent guy who looka like Robocop. There's a car chase, an orgy, some gangsters, some sexy bionda ammenda asino nudo gemelli, and lots of stuff. This whole thing reminds me of a naughty Kojak episode. There's also a scene where Mike Hammer gets tortured with a electricity and a big crazy shootout. Here's a surprise, Velda gets tortured too. Mr. Assante's pants are very high. Oh yeah, a Benihana chef getsa his face grilled. There's a lot of hot babes, eh figa calda. And they're nice and soft. They don't looka like they a been doin' sit ups alla day at the gym. Nice if you know what I mean. So that's about it. I pretty much liked but there never wasa jury in it. But like I said it had naked Barbara Carrera. It made me a little sad that Velda was not naked. Mr. Assante hada cool hair, like Supercuts. He remind Giacomo of those little guys that walk around with the high pants, always kinda mad. So watch it okay.