PRIVATE VALENTINE: BLONDE AND DANGEROUS
Hey, you know what my favorite "misfit joining the army" film is? I bet you're thinking it's IN THE ARMY NOW with Pauly Shore or that Kubrick movie about Gomer Pyle. But nope, it's TRIBES. Oh man, Darren McGavin as the drill sergeant and Jan-Michael Vincent as the hippie. I forget the hippies' name. I think McGavin called him Private Unicorn or maybe Private Pretty Mary Sunshine. That's a good flick, and it's a TV movie. Which brings us to PRIVATE VALENTINE with Jessica Simpson. I'm sure many of you think that I'm reviewing this movie as an excuse to post upskirt photos of Jessica Simpson. I really have no control over what photos get posted. That's another guy (silverback@gorillanaut.com).
ed note - I just do what i'm told!
I'm here to talk about cinema and cinema-ey sounding stuff like "rack focus" and mise en scene. So everybody likes to hate Jessica but I don't and maybe you should ask yourself why you do. She's harmless, fun to look at and seems nice. Now, "rack focus". Get it? Rack? Jessica? She's got great tits.
ed note - I like tits, too!!
This movie, directed by Steve (FRIDAY THE 13TH PT2, III), is really not that bad. It's at least as good as THE HOUSE BUNNY. Not saying much, but still. There are no surprises but it was an okay 90 minutes and I actually laughed a couple of times. There's a "backdoor blondes" joke and some nice Snicker's bar blowjob action with porn music. Not enough? How about Guttenberg? Yeah, Big Steve G as a sleazy agent with an orange spray tan. Michael Hitchcock from BEST IN SHOW is in there as a gay guy. It needed some Keith David though. Cheri Oteri plays the psycho gung ho recruit. You gotta have one of those. The Hollywood satire stuff, such as the clip from Valentine's talking dog movie, works better than the army stuff. Vivica A. Fox is the hard-ass drill sergeant - she's okay. It's about par for something you may see on Lifetime. That is to say the comedy side of Lifetime, not the "My teen is addicted to porn" or the "anything where Crystal Bernard gets plastic surgery to get revenge" side.
