PRINCESS OF MARS
So the good people of Asylum (TRANSMORPHERS, SNAKES ON A TRAIN) beat the Disney robots and cranked out a JOHN CARTER OF MARS movie starring Traci Lords as the oldest, most 'put away wet' princesses of all time. Antonio Sabato Jr. stars as John Carter, this time updated as a Special Forces sniper in fucking Afghanistan, who through an experimental something or another goes to Barsoom. Which if you think about it probably makes more sense than falling asleep in a cave and waking up on Mars. But whatever, he's on another planet which fortunately has air and a cave similar to our own Bronson Canyon cave. I thought that was a cool choice, I mean why the fuck not? It was good enough for the Robot Monster.
As far as Antonio Sabato Jr., he is at least the right age. The Disney version has a teenage John Carter, Taylor something. But anyway, Traci Lords plays the mother of Dejah Thoris.
Well not really, but she could have. Actually Traci's princess reminds me of what would happen if you were a teenager and your sort of slutty mom dressed up as Princess
Leia and got drunk at your Halloween party. While I'm thinking about slutty Traci, are any of you old enough to remember these lyrics to the song
"Black Throat" from the movie also called BLACK THROAT?
"Let me tell you about Traci, she's got a real big clit
And while I'm fucking her pussy, I like to suck her tit"
That was one of the flicks she made before somebody checked her ID. Thanks again, Ed Meese, you asshole. But is PRINCESS OF MARS any good? Actually, I enjoyed it. Obviously there weren't buckets of money to spend on effects and shit like extra arms but at least it tried. I thought it was better than MEGA-SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS. I'm sure a lot of the shaved-tailed Louies out there are gonna whine about the cheapness, but for anyone that grew up on flicks that were made before fancy effects, back when you thought the ants from THEM! looked pretty fucking cool, well you might enjoy it. It's got a few cgi critters, some Tharks in rubber masks and Vasquez Rocks. The guy who played Tars Tarkas was pretty good. Traci looks mean and uncomfortable, just like she always did. You should know what you're getting into with The Asylum so if you think it looks cheap and bitch about it, you're probably an idiot.
