Creatures from the Abyss - aka Plankton
CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS aka PLANKTON is the quaint story of four young kids, one wacky professor, a shape shifting / man eating fish, and their hair raising adventures aboard the S.S. Aquaphilia. Our story begins when our plucky protagonists, Mike (the nerd), Margareth (Mike's fiancee), Bobby (the sleazy horndog), Julie (the virgin?!), and her "sister", Dorothy (a passable pre-op transsexual), frolic on a beach in Miami, Fla. It's all very promising at first...the beautiful sunset lit sands are reminiscent of an early 80s Pierre Woodman production...you know, the ones where chicks who looked like our apple bottomed Julie ended up with more than just sand between their cracks. Alas, this is not one of Pierre's productions, but just a Massimiliano Cerchi Joint...anyway, the kids horse around a bit, hop on a inflatable motorboat, and head out into the Biscayne Bay. Well, faster than you can say, "The Professor and Mary-Ann," our dimwitted heroes run out of gas, find the plastic floating corpse of Clint Howard, and are besieged by a Summer storm. Luckily, our teens find an Oceanographic Research Vessel and climb aboard to seek shelter from the storm. Unluckily, this is not a normal research vessel...something has gone horribly wrong...and I'm not just talking about the tacky late 80s BLU ELETTRICO inspired interior design...oh no, my friends, there is something far more sinister lurking on this sexed-up yacht. We know this thanks to some choppy inserts of a crew member being whipped about the face and neck by some monstrous tentacles and the POV shots (filmed with a fish eye lens...get it?) of our kids being spied on by the monster. The kids explore the yacht looking for some signs of life, but find what can only be described as Alec Holland's meth lab meets the prop room for PIRANHA TWO: THE SPAWNING. Bobby thinks the shady white powder will help get the girls in the mood for some sexy fun time, Mike (in full Velma mode) wants to do some more exploring, but (as usual) the girls are more concerned about the creepy frozen fish than fucking Bobby or snooping around with Mike. Our teens come to a compromise and decide on raiding the ships bar and kitchen for an impromptu party of five aboard the seemingly abandoned yacht. We're treated to some Euro dancing, a fish fry, and Bobby's appalling table manners before the party is interrupted by some strange noises from below deck. The guys go investigate and find none other than Joey Silvera! It seems that in between acting in 100s of adult movies in the 80s and before directing 100s of transsexual porn movies in the 2000s, Joey found the time to get his PhD in Ichthyology and get a job doing some research work in the polluted waters of the North Bay. The boys bring a severely disorientated Dr. Silvera back to the girls and they all try to get some information about the strange goings on aboard the ship. Dr. S. is too busy drooling and nodding out to be of any help and to top it off, he bites Margareth before he scampers off to hide under the spiral staircase. Dorothy starts feeling like shit, thanks to their fish dinner, and pukes up all sorts of bile and strange squirmy sea creatures in the bathroom. Of course, Dorothy wants to get off the boat and really starts freaking the fuck out, but everyone knows it's really just her increased estrogen levels (thanks to her hormonal reassignment therapy) that's making her all crazy. So the kids put Sweet-D to bed, Julie finally shows some full frontal in the shower, Bobby sulks off with his unrequited hard on, and Mike and Magareth head to the lab to find out what's up with the "strange fish." While gathering information from the lab's computer, Margareth is attacked by a super-realistic looking flying fish! The little bugger takes a chunk out of her neck and escapes before Mike can smash it to bits. Fueled by the impotence of being unable to protect his love, Mike pulls a Buford Pusser and destroys all the cryogenically frozen fish-beasties in a five minute long, slow motion, gratuitous fish bashing with a big ass stick! After the Placodermi Massacre of 94, everyone figures it's time to get some rest. Mike takes advantage of his downtime to study the Professor's notes and some totally rad AD & D drawings of the not so extinct fish. The Professor's findings clue Mike in on a few facts about the radioactive plankton the fish have been eating. It seems that the plankton has caused severe mutations among the marine life, making them carnivorous, giving them "hyper sexualized genitalia", and turning the fish "gay." Seriously...gay, carnivorous, hyper sexualized fish...and that's not even the weird part! The Professor and the crew have been injecting the plankton and having PNP parties...with the fish! Meanwhile, Julie sneaks into Bobby's room to see if he's still "up" for a little company. He is of course, and uses all the charm of a low rent Bob Guccione Jr. to try to convince the virginal Julie to make love to him . Julie's nerves get the better of her so she looks for something to do with her hands...luckily, there's a giant cock lamp (I'm not kidding..it's a huge, gilded lamp in the shape of a cock) she can awkwardly jerk off while Bobby tries to talk her into the sack. Eventually, the sexual tension gets the better of both of them and they decide to make with the boning. Bobby drops an amazingly painful load into young Julie and then the shit hits the fan... At this point the film really starts cooking with gas: Bobby gets all Norris from THE THING and gruesomely transforms into a into some sort of fish monster dripping slime and body parts all over the spread eagled Julie. Mike and Margareth rush to the rescue, scaring off the rapey fish monster and saving Julie's life...if not her virginity. The kids realize it's time to leave the ship quick-fast-in-a-hurry, but Mother Nature and the gay fish monsters have other plans. The storm gets worse and it turns out that Dorothy is also infected with the cancerous fish cells. She turns into a half crab/half tranny creature and attacks Mike while Julie finds some life jackets for their escape. Julie isn't doing so hot at this point either...her stomach hurts...real bad...like something might be growing in there! Sure enough, it turns out she's preggers with Bobby's fish monster babies...and she proceeds to drop about a gallon of caviar all over the floor right out of her girl junk! Mike runs away to destroy the ship by setting up a homemade bomb out of a candle and some barrels of gasoline and runs into the Bobby monster again. Some really cool stop motion fighting goes down and Mike is able to escape. Lightning strikes the ship and all hell is breaking loose...there's fire everywhere, monsters running amok, alarms going off, and Mike still needs to find Professor S. and Margareth before the whole boat explodes in a fiery ball. Our unlikely hero gathers up the useless professor and finally finds his love...but all is not well..it seems that Margareth is infected with the fish virus and begs Mike to kill her. Mike totally pusses out so Margareth does the right thing and spear guns herself in the face. Mike, in total freak out mode, cries and shouts for about a minute and throws himself off the side of the boat as it blows up into a million pieces....but that's not the end... Don't worry, I won't spoil the surprise ending, but I will tell you that CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS is way better than the crap James Cameron has put out post 1981.
Moon Boy