THE MOTHER OF TEARS
Well, let's get this over with. It already feels like a employee review I've been putting off. So, MOTHER OF TEARS is here! The last part of Dario Argento's alleged Three Mothers trilogy. You know, the first one was SUSPIRIA (great flick), the next was INFERNO(not as great) and now the long awaited conclusion. I know what you're thinking,"Quick Bwana, tell us how great it is and how it was worth the nearly thirty year wait." Okay I will. It was fucking awesome! And by awesome I mean it sucked hairy witch- goat balls with sores on them. No, it's not worth the wait. It's not even worth waiting for fucking netflix to deliver it to you. I had high hopes after Argento's Masters of Horror episode Jenifer. By all means see that. It's the best thing he's done in a while.
The story is a buried urn is found and some demons come to take it. The third Mother shows up and has a pet monkey. The monkey was okay. Then there's a bunch of horseshit as Asia Argento wanders around , talking to her dead mother. Udo Kier shows up briefly. There's some gory deaths, I suppose they are the highlight. It turns out the third mother is back to reign over the witches and get all the donuts. She has a magic T-shirt. There's a group of quasi she-male witches being rude at the airport. Did I mention the monkey? He's quite evil. Speaking of evil, it's breaking out all over Rome or so we are told. There are suicides, baby throwing and inexplicably, some light vandalism. The cops are looking for Asia as she stumbles around Rome though I'm not exactly sure why. I'm used to Argento not making sense but this is different. It doesn't have any of the nightmare atmosphere of SUSPIRIA, it feels more like a bad straight to video flick of 1990 or so. I'm trying hard to not lose track of how awful it was. Where was I? I know I mentioned the monkey...oh yeah, Asia. Jesus dude, I know you and her got issues but quit putting her in your movies. She is terrible. Didn't you see her movie? She can't even play herself. She should be low budget German piss porn, maybe Filmco's Loads of Fun series. She looks awful in this movie, she really has that tired porn star "now that you came in my face, can I have my money? I need to go to the Pawn Shop and then maybe rent some furniture" look. Asia real mother plays a stupid ghost figure that helps her from beyond. It's intensely stupid, just watch the book store scene where she becomes invisible. The actual Mother of Tears looks like a Private Video star except with fake tits. She really doesn't do much but she is terrible. The plot makes you believe it's gonna be some crazy witch fight but that never happens. I won't say how it ends but the ridiculous magic T-shirt I mentioned plays a part. Udo Kier is completely wasted so don't look for him to pull this out of the backed up toilet in sits in. The scenes of the second fall of Rome are so half-assed it makes you wonder what the fuck he was thinking. The music is terrible. To make it worse the c.g.i. is... well, obviously horrible. The ending is just retarded. There's a weird scene where she gets momentarily paralyzed by an alchemist and she looks just like Blair's muscular dystrophy cousin from the Facts of Life. I could go on but it just feels like an tragically unfunny prison rape at this point. I hope that monkey fucking works again.