METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN
Excerpt from recent conversation between Bwana and Rib
Bwana: So my niece just called and told me my idiot nephew tried to kill himself.
Rib: Really, why?
Bwana: I have no fucking idea. Probably some shit about his feelings. But the problem is I was right in the middle of watching METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN.
Rib: METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN again?
Bwana: Yeah, I'm concentrating on the subtext. And Moll.
Well as cool as the idea of something like M:TDOJS is or was, it's probably best left as a hazy pot smeared memory from my early twenties. It really doesn't come off today as anything more than a TV movie that would have gone down easy after watching an episode of AIRHAWK. There's really no "metalstorm" and Jared-Syn escapes into a time/space tunnel or some such shit. It was part of Charles Band's attempt to catch the 3D wave and it does have bad guy Baal shooting 3d green acid. It's like an LSD acid actually, causing people to trip - sort of. There's some bullshit about crystals and a goofy cult led by Jared-Syn so maybe it's about L. Ron Hubbard, I don't fucking know. The always awesome Tim Thomerson shows up briefly and makes it a little better. Big Richard Moll is good as an honorable Cyclopean. Kelly Preston is in there but stays fully clothed. Holy shit has she aged well, she still looks great at forty seven. The plot has a guy named Dogen riding around in a Road Warrior costume doing stuff but it just never gets going. I suppose the best part has Baal getting his cyborg arm ripped off. Speaking of acid and 3D, I saw JAWS 3D on acid and was holding it together until I turned around and saw all the people wearing 3D glasses which was hilarious. I fuckin' love JAWS 3D, especially Lou Gossett Jr. as Calvin ( 'you mean we're talkin' bout some shark's damn mutha?' ) Bouchard.
M: TDOJS isn't on dvd where I come from but there's plenty of vhs copies floating around - although you might just wanna make your own imaginary version in your own imagination.
