MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS
None of this really has anything to do with the movie though. Like most Americans, I usually get my dose of killer animal flicks from the Sci Fi channel, and usually in one of those Saturday marathons. That's not counting SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON which must be seen uncut because otherwise you don't get THE LINE.
So we all saw the trailer for MS vs. GO, and it was cool - but will it live up to the hype? Will it be THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS of monster battle pictures? Yeah I guess it will, because there really wasn't any hype. But here's the deal - yesterday I spent three grand on a new air conditioner, and for the same money I could have made this flick and three of its sequels (which all would star Tiffany because I've got a feeling she'll take her top off for a Target gift card and a ride home).
MS vs. GO is one of those movies that frequently wants you to take its word that what you're seeing is awesome or important. It says "Hey people, believe me that what's getting mixed in these test tubes matters" or "Trust me, this is how a nuclear sub is piloted, by a guy behind a table". My favorite would be "Listen up, Lorenzo Lamas is in the part of the Navy that demands pony tails." I'm not really sure what the hell Deborah Gibson is supposed to be in this movie but she apparently is the most qualified person available at mini-sub piloting. She writes shit down, too. Deborah and her romantic interest co-star have the volcanic sexual chemistry of Mulder and Scully in that crappy X-FILES movie that had the two-headed dog. They exhibit the level of smoldering passion you might have seen pass betweeen Paul Lynde and Britt Eklund. At times it seems they didn't have a location so they had people talk about shit while on a pier, possibly in Santa Monica. At one point Deborah, who really gives it her all, says "I keep thinking about Einstein and Oppenheimer and the magnitude of it." Yeah, me too. My wife thought Deborah looked rubbery in this picture but I thought she had the look of a slutty Southwest Airlines stewardess.
What you're really wanting from a film like this is monster animal action, but sadly you saw it already in the trailer. Clearly they just didn't have the bucks for more. Or for quality. It's all very PS 2, specifically JAWS UNLEASHED. The shark is so huge it doesn't really eat anybody so much as it bites ships, planes or the Golden Gate Bridge. Octopus really doesn't do much but we're told he did a number on Japan. He's got a mean stare too. Both the monsters seem to vary in size depending on the scene. There's lots of repeated cgi shots. Deborah drinks a wine cooler out of a paper bag. We get to pretend we're looking at a whale carcass. People sit in rooms with dials and act excited or concerned. Deborah's mentor is inexplicably Irish. Finally after the less than climatic battle, in a "let's set up the sequel moment" we get told that a piece of paper confirms "organic life forms" of some sort in the North Sea, but we don't get to see it ourselves. Deborah seems excited though. So bottom line, the trailer was funny and I suppose they did the best they could with what they had, but I gotta say that it's just not good enough for the SciFi channel so watch SNAKE HEAD TERROR or KRAKEN instead And listen to some "Electric Youth".
