In Hell
I watch a lot of cablevision in my capacity as Technical Director here at Gorillanaut.com. Tonight I'm at my home away from home when I'm travelling to Winnepeg for business, the fabulous Winnepeg Marriott, and I have just happened upon the most amazing Russian travelogue. A delightful little gem called In Hell. Our rugged guide, a seasoned Belgian explorer named Jean-Claude Van Damme leads us on a journey through one of Russia's beautiful cosmopolitan cities with its grand civic centres and charming old world prisons. Or maybe it was Bulgaria. After introducing us to some of Russia/Bulgaria's more colorful characters - a hilarious rapist, a corrupt judge, various pirogue sellers who keep getting knocked over as Mr. Van Damme navigates the quaint city streets of this charming Russian (or possibly Bulgarian) burb - JC checks into a prison-themed fantasy suite hotel for some Russo-Bulgarian styled rest and relaxation. We are introduced to more of those colorful characters I was telling you about a few sentences ago. Many of whom are from our own blessed country, the USA. Some of the highlights: a trip to the hotel's sauna - men only please!; breakfast in the large spacious community dining hall; working out in the al fresco exercise facilities; a bit of spirited "shanking"; a tattoo expo; a special form of Russo-Bulgarian massage therapy known as "forcible sodomy". In the spirit of European togetherness, JC is accommodating enough to share his suite with a large mute African-American gentleman. I hoped for a bit more exploration of this fascinating individual, but for reasons which are no longer clear to me, JC switches rooms to the hotel's more private "raw sewage suite". And here he stays. For quite some time. Hitting the brick wall. Hitting his head against the brick wall. Standing in the raw sewage and staring at the ... you know now I'm not so sure this is a travelogue after all. It appears to be one of those "Kumite in a Russo-Bulgarian" prison films that were so popular in 2003. Yes, it turns out that's what it is. Directed by Ringo Lam. Huh.
You know, I recall back in my day that if you wanted to seem like a cool hipster film dude, you would often pepper your conversations with discussions of Ringo Lam's City on Fire which apparently had something to do with Quentin Tarrantino's Reservoir Dogs. Was it a sequel, prequel, unofficial anime version... shit I can't remember which. Anyway it was cool to talk about him.
But I digress. Within the genre of "Kumite in a Russo-Bulgarian Prison" films, this is one of the better ones I have seen. All the staples of the genre are found here; the mystical negro (played to thundering effect by a past member of the 2008 superbowl chamion NY Giants - Hall of Famer and former crack fiend Lawrence Taylor), the high-spirtited shanking, the forcible sodomy, the golden bug from heaven. Well that last one might be a new one, but I would suggest that any filmmaker thinking of trying his hand at a K in a R-B P film consider including one. The heavenly golden bug inspires us. It lifts our spirits. It helps us make it through this long, dark Walpurgisnacht of the soul. And i guess it turns out the golden bug is the spirit of his dead wife who was raped and stabbed a few paragraphs back. Awww....
So let's see, what else is there. There's some decent fight scenes. A lot of muscle-building montages. The shaving in of a particular nice chin beard. Some more sodomy. A really large fellow in a zippered mask who howls a lot and communicates with JC via some sort of morse code that they pound out on heavy brick walls and iron prison doors. Oh and an incontinent drug dealing wheelchair bound American ex-pat and a young squirrely guy that gets buggered a lot. All in all, this may be the best Jean Claude Van Damme movie you will ever see. He doesn't really play his typical type of character in this one. And he actually does a pretty good job of emoting and, dare I say, acting. And I think his accent, often a distraction in his earlier work, actually serves him well here. So if you are a fan of J-CVD, "Kumite in a Russo-Bulgarian Prison" films, or just like Russo-Bulgarian travelogues, you could do a lot worse than In Hell