HUNDRA
Ever wonder what CONAN THE BARBARIAN would be like if it had no Conan, or James Earl Jones but a lot more of Sandahl Bergman's character? Well I know, it would be like Matt Cimber's (THE WITCH WHO CAME IN FROM THE SEA) HUNDRA. Because it has to, HUNRA starts off with a barbarian attack on a village as a whole lot of chicks get mowed down. Hundra shows up at the village and is pissed so she single-handedly kills about twenty of the bad guys with her bow, spears, sword, whatever she's got handy. Hundra is played by Laurene Landon who resembles an eighties Southwest Airlines stewardess whose dream is to be a "Price Is Right" model. After she kills all those dudes she goes and gets naked at the beach with her horse and her dog but not in a 1970's Danish 8mm film loop kind of way. When that fun is over she seeks the wise council of the old crone that tells her she needs to keep the "ember" of the tribe alive by getting knocked up. "I shall not be penetrated by man or sword" swears Hundra, but the old lady says she must but first she fights a painted midget with a pitchfork. He resembles a tiny Braveheart with his face paint. Hundra takes him down but spares his life. She ends up at a city just in time to see a girl being hauled off by some goons. After a long street brawl she eventually falls through the roof of the local healer who she immediately decides should shoot her up with babyjuice. But he's not into it because she needs a bath and some womanly charmschool types kills. She happens to meet a girl from the local temple/whore school who offers to help her in these areas so she can get knocked up. There's a possibly gay priest guy running the temple along with his completely gay assistant whom we'll call "Bruce and Swishy". At the temple they train girls to be ladylike whores and they also worship a bull. Their clientele is barbarian guys who seem to be into gang bangs and typical barbarian orgies, you know, with goblets and turkey legs, that sort of thing. Hundra learns to bathe, put on make up and walk without spilling things, much like she would if she wanted to work at Hooters. Hundra and her new bff laugh and carry on the way girls on the Disney channel do. Eventually Hundra goes back and gets pregnant by the dreamy healer guy. This whole time while Hundra is learning to be a lady , she in turn teaches her friend to stand up and not take it ( by it I mean "dick") lying down. So there's girl power and stuff. After a little back and forth there comes the inevitable girl uprising as they slaughter their masters. The guy we called Bruce earlier gets suffocated by having a girl sit on his face. And she's not some cow, she's reasonably hot. So maybe he was gay. Hundra heads back with her baby girl to get the tribe going again.
I gotta say this was better than I thought it would be. It has a decent sense of humor to it and a couple of funny physical comedy bits, like with the midget. It's not every barbarian chick movie where you get the "My Fair Lady" makeover montage. There's some cheeky nudity sprinkled here and there but nothing to get crazy about. The bloodshed is fairly mild with a sword hit squibs, usually in slow motion . The locations in Spain add a lot of production value and the film looks great for such a low budget picture. The thing that stand's out the most though is the awesome classical score by Ennio Morricone. It could easily have been used in an Academy Award level film. Even without monsters it was better than RED SONJA.