GLITTER (2001)
Well I couldn't just sit back and let Bwana have all the fun reviewing movies that the small readership of Gorillanaut could give a shit about, could I? Nope. So I'm one upping the old beast and hitting you guys up with not one, but two, pop star biopics. Okay, neither GLITTER or CROSSROADS is really based on any actual events of Ms. Carey's or Ms. Spears' comic-tragic lives, but who cares? While Bwana could barely even keep his bloodshot eyes pointed in the direction of his TV during BRATZ, I'm proud to say that I watched both of my films....twice! Let's get this party started!
GLITTER starts way back in time, like before 1980, and everything is shot kinda' in black and white just so you know it's old timey. Young Billie (that's Mariah) is stuck in some speakeasy watching her drunk, strung out mother sing onstage. Mom's a total wreck and can't finish her first song so she gets Billie to join her and of no surprise to anyone, Billie can sing like a beautiful songbird. What is surprising is that Mom is Black and Billie is White! You see, Billie is from an interracial marriage. I know it's not a big deal nowadays, but back when everything was in black and white there were even laws against this sort of thing. Some more stuff happens to let us know Billie's mom isn't fit to take care of a child on her own, so our little mullato gets put in a foster home where she meets her two BFFs, Louise and Roxanne. These early scenes are super important in letting us know just what drives Billie...abandonment issues, absentee father, substance abuse, neglect...thank God she wasn't molested on top of all that or she could have ended up a insipid porn starlet instead of a vapid pop star.
After the set up the film bursts into vibrant 1983 colors and sounds, letting us know Billie and her BFFs are all grows up and making the club scene in New York City! We finally get to meet some interesting characters like, Timothy Walker, a smarmy music producer and Dice, Billie's soon to be love interest and suitcase pimp. Timothy gets the girls under contract (even though Billie is the only one with any talent) to be backup singers for his main girl, Sylk, who's kind of like Prince's "female reflection" Vanity but without all the crack or sex appeal. Sylk can't sing for shit, so Billie's voice is used for the single...of course Sylk gets all the credit and Billie gets to hang back, out of the spotlight, where she really really deserves to be. This doesn't go unnoticed by super awesome DJ, Dice, and he quickly snatches Billie out of Timothy's clutches by promising to buy out her contract for $100,000!
Now the film could have gone down the road best traveled and got all STAR 80 on us, but I guess it was geared for young girls and not men in their 30s. You see, Dice has all the characteristics of a Paul Snider type of character: taking credit for discovering Billie, making her a star, producing her career, living off her money, controlling her photo and video shoots, alienating her from her friends...you know, all that Dice is missing is the mustache and the sex bench. And much like Paul snider, nobody likes Dice except for his gravy train of a girlfriend. Turns out stupid Dice never bothered to pay the hundred grand for Billie's contract so Timothy kind of threatens Billie and then Dice beats him up and it almost becomes a big deal.
Billie finally leaves Dice after he pulls some more bullshit moves, records a hit single with a neo-soul dude, sells out Madison Square Garden, and realizes that leaving Dice was wrong!? Luckily, Timothy shows up and shoots Dice dead right before the sold out concert. She performs her big show anyway and reminds the audience not to take people for granted and after the show she finally reconciles with her clean and sober mother.
Overall, GLITTER wasn't so bad. The biggest problem I had with the film was the serious lack of Mariah flesh on parade. I mean, come on, we've all seen that video where she washes Snoop Dogg's car! This girl is stacked and packed and most of the film is shot from her shoulders up. For shame, Vondie Curtis-Hall! The video director character says it best early on in the film, "Is she White? Is she Black? She is exotic. I want to see more of her boobs. Sex sells. She's hot." Amen brother! Now let's see what CROSSROADS has to offer in the flesh parade!
Moon Boy