CHAOS (2005)
So everybody's all excited about that LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT remake right? Oh wait, no one's excited about it? Good, 'cause I haven't seen it...but I did just recently watch David "The Demon" DeFalco's retelling of Wes Craven's retelling of Ingmar Bergman's THE VIRGIN SPRING.
You all know the story, two teenage gals get brutally raped and murdered by a gang of thugs, gang of thugs seek shelter at the home of the parents of one of the dead girls, parents exact bloody revenge on the gang of thugs. Moral questions are raised. The end.
And that's pretty much what we have here in DeFalco's CHAOS....pretty much. This film starts out with a warning to all parents and teenagers about the dangers of abduction, rape and murder of young girls by violent ex cons and...this is my favorite part...claims to be a warning and an educational film of sorts. It also claims to be "The Most Brutal Movie Ever Made."
I'm not going to argue the "facts" about teenage rape and murder with Mr. "The Demon", but I do have a gripe or two about this being the most brutal movie ever in the history of brutal movies. There is only a single scene in CHAOS that even comes close to the brutality of say, oh I don't know, CANNIBAL FEROX or even CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. You know, those Italians really knew how to push the envelope with the rape, genital mutilation, torture, animal cruelty, and all around depravity back in the 70s and 80s. I mean, these films were censored, banned, and generally reviled by the movie going public because of their disturbing and graphic portrayal of the brutality of man. And all Mr. "The Demon" has to back up his claim of CHAOS being "The Most Brutal Movie Ever Made" is Roger Ebert's curmudgeonly seven paragraph review dismissing the film as an "exercise in heartless cruelty" that he regrets ever seeing. Oh and then he added insult to injury by giving it a zero star rating. Ouch.
Well, I have to disagree with Ebert...I actually liked CHAOS. It clocks in at one hour and sixteen minutes...and God knows I like a horror film that knows how to get in and get out in a timely manner. The acting was decent enough and while nothing spectacular, the direction was competent. I really loved Chaos' gang of squirrely creeps à la every DEATH WISH movie ever made ...you know the types: twitchy, greasy haired, face lickers that hump the air and say things like, "Oh yeah baby, now it's my turn! You're gonna' love what I got, baby! Oh yeah!"
The two inept cops were also quite (unintentionally) entertaining...and I even enjoyed Sage Stallone's doughy, cigarette fueled performance as Chaos' son, Swan. But the real stars of CHAOS are the girls and Chaos (character actor and stony pony, Kevin Gage) himself. The natural beauty and 1970s throwback look of Maya Barovich as Angelica got me a bit excited in the pants area (it didn't hurt that she could really cry and scream with the best of 'em) and Toothy McChopperton, I mean, Chantal Degroat as Emily was okay enough as the wet blanket friend to Angelica's party girl. And Kevin Gage did his best letting us all know how evil and crazy Chaos was by using the words "fag, faggot, and nigger" more times than a Mel Brooks movie...oh, and by cutting off Angelica's nipple and feeding it to her...and who could forget the slicing through Emily's perineum with his really big knife making "one big hole where she used to have two little ones," that was pretty evil too!
So yeah, CHAOS is a pretty decent horror movie...I'm still not sold on the whole "educational" angle, but hey, who knows? Maybe if ABC picked it up and ran it as an After School Special? Now that would get the kids' attention.
One more thing...if you rent CHAOS you just have to watch the special features! First up is THE ROGER EBERT CONTROVERSY. It's 15 minutes of producer (and perfect candidate for hotchickswithdouchebags.com) Steven Jay Bernheim and director David "The Demon" DeFalco bitching and moaning about Ebert's negative review of CHAOS. It's great...seriously....they're both so sweaty and intense..and you'll love DeFalco's Steven Seagal inspired Chinese silk brocade shirt!
And then there's INSIDE THE CORONER'S OFFICE (A TOUR OF THE L.A. CORONER'S CRYPT)! This is roughly 17 minutes of a greased up, shirtless DeFalco flexing and ranting (wrestler style) about how brutal the world (and his movie) is and how much Roger Ebert sucks...in front of real dead bodies (wrapped in plastic)! It has to be seen to be believed. Even better is the awkward and creepy tour of the coroner's office by forensic technician Michael A. Cormier. This dude is even weirder than DeFalco...he's kind of a mix between Dr. Lawrence Jacoby and Dr. Matthew "Frankenstein" Logan. He walks us through the various crypts pointing out dead babies (wrapped in plastic), dead fat people (wrapped in plastic), and his tools of the trade...including dry erase markers!
The best part is when DeFalco and Cormier meet up at the end and discuss their next project! A film more brutal than CHAOS...it's called THE DEVIL'S DOORWAY and it's all about their "theory" of how true evil manifests in human beings...through methamphetamines! You see, the meth opens up a doorway to another dimension allowing demons to possess these meth-heads and then these possessed speed freaks commit brutal crimes! I am not making this up....and I seriously want to see that film...and I totally lost count of how many times DeFalco said the word brutal.