CB HUSTLERS
As a child of the 70s, I really wanted to like CB HUSTLERS. I was hoping for a film like BREAKER! BREAKER!, CONVOY, or even HANDLE WITH CARE (aka CITIZENS BAND)...shit, I would have settled for ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN, but noooo, I got stuck with CB HUSTLERS. Before I get into the movie let me share a little bit of personal info. You see, the citizens' band radio played a small part in my early days...My dad was a musician, so what with all the driving from state to state to get to gigs, the CB was practically required by law in our car. Dad even gave me my own handle and everything. It wasn't anything cool like, "Thunder Chicken" (an actual handle of a friend of my old man), but dammit, I had one. There was all sorts of cool CB Talk going on across the channels....it was all, "Got yer ears on, Big C? I was on the flip flop headin' over to the Gay Bay when I noticed some Harvey Wallbanger in the hammer lane get in a fender bender with an organ donor on I-35. There's full grown bears and and disco lights all over the Boulevard dealin' with the road pizza. I suggest droppin' below a double nickel and takin' the nearest exit at the next yardstick. Come back." Pretty cool sounding, right? Anyway, back to CB HUSTLERS...the film starts out fairly promising. There's some genuine CB chatter, a couple of cool Flying Burrito Brothers knock off songs, and some great looking 70s babes as the titular CB Hustlers. These women are all tank tops, leg warmers, shorty shorts, and natural boobs...with no fear when it comes to getting naked. You know, it sure seemed a whole Hell of a lot easier to get women to show some skin on the screen in the 70s, and director, Stu Segall found the right honeys for a movie about a traveling cat house. Most impressive of the bunch is Uschi Digard as Dee Dee. Some of you porn dogs might remember Uschi and her eye popping rib balloons from such films as, BLONDE EMMANUELLE IN 3-D and ILSA, HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS...while her acting skills are never important, her Hindenburgs certainly make her the star of this picture. The film is light on plot, sparse on dialog, and heavy on T and A...at least at first. At about the 28 minute mark everything comes to a screeching halt...and by everything, I mean the nudity...and that means "the plot" has to propel the film forward into dulls-ville. Since the plot (in my mind) involves lot lizards turning tricks for 25 bucks a pop, I quickly lost interest when the pimp, newspaper reporters, and the bumbling sheriff started taking valuable screen time away from all the nipples and ass cheeks. Once the boring characters (and by boring, I mean male and clothed) took over the film, I had no choice but to imagine other actors in their roles. What if Ray Sharkey was Dancer the pimp? Oh, howsabout, Ernest Borgnine and Alex Karras as the newspaper men? What if Texan bad-ass, Joe Don Baker, brought his acting chops to the table as the forgettable sheriff? Who knows...'cause it didn't happen. It was all blah, blah, fucking blah, until Uschi whipped out those eye bruising gazongas at exactly 45 minutes into this piece of crap. For the next 6 minutes I was finally engrossed in the story again! Then the boobs were gone and it's back to blah, blah, boring, boring and nothing happening for another 30 minutes. There wasn't a single car chase, bare knuckle boxing match, beer drinking orangutan, or even a sassy grandma to save this one, kids. So save your money for a sexier soft core flick or a bloodier trucking picture.
ALL EARS
I own a handful of truck drivin' LPs, but ALL EARS is the only one in my collection that's completely dedicated to the citizen's band radio. Here's what the record boasts on the back cover:
"Ten original songs involving CB 2-way radio, available in album form only at Radio Shack stores and dealers. Radio Shack felt that no single composer or performer could tell the whole story...so we commissioned a select group of professional writers, singers and musicians to produce this exclusive CB concert in special tribute to CB fans and for easy-listenin' music lovers everywhere. 10-4?"
10-4, indeed! Thanks Radio Shack! The 10 songs included on this long playing record album are diverse and entertaining enough for the trucking enthusiast looking to grab a hold of their glory days to the lowly trucker hat wearing hipster trying way too hard to impress his new Countrypolitan friends down at the local honky tonk. Other than Mac Wiseman, there's not many well know performers here, but I'll give a quick run down of the tracks with a brief description:
"HEY SHIRLEY (THIS IS SQUIRRELY) -A kind of Chipmunks meets hillbilly number.
"HONEY BEE (PLEASE ANSWER ME)" - BOSTON-esque soft rock stylings with a touch of country.
"COME ON, COME ON, CB BABY" - Bad ass country funk.
"EVERYBODY'S SOMEBODY (IN OUR CB WORLD)" - Just some friendly country pickin'.
"HEY GOOD BUDDY (WHERE'S MY BABY)" - Straight up Cajun-stomper "AMOS MOSES" rip off.
"HANDLES HALL OF FAME" - Roll call of cb handles.
"LISTENIN' CB BLUES" - The only anti cb song...with a twist ending.
"AIN'T EVER GONNA BE LONELY AGAIN" - The kind of truckin' song Dale Watson wished he wrote.
"L.J.'s CB RADIO" - Jerry Clower inspired country comedy cb talk-song.
"THE NIGHT I TALKED TO THE LORD" - Red Sovine inspired country weepy.
Truth be told, if you want to impress that Backseat Betty with something more than your "TCB" belt buckle, Hoss, you best pick up this record or you'll be takin' home some whiskey-faced bar hag...again.
Moon Boy