BRATZ
I'm gonna come clean here and admit that although I did watch BRATZ, I may have not paid as much attention to it as other flicks. But do you really fucking care? Of course not.
So BRATZ the movie is based on Bratz the doll. The dolls are much sluttier than Barbie and quite frankly look like they would be a lock on an easy blow job for your average 12 inch G.I. Joe. Maybe even Big Jim. Remember him? He hung out with a pack of guys, one of them had a metal fist. Don't believe me, just check out a comic book from 1974 or so. Back to BRATZ. Okay there are four of them. One's a blonde, one's kinda black I think, one's supposed to be Asian-ish maybe and I think one is supposedly Latin maybe, well she has a mariachi band in her house sometimes, but Lainie Kazan plays her mother or probably grandmother. For you comic nerds, Big Barda from Jack Kirby's New Gods was based on a younger Lainie Kazan. So they like clothes and stuff and are starting high school. The principal is played by Jon Voigt in a variation of his performance as the regurgitated snake victim from ANACONDA except he has no accent but instead a funny nose. The school is divided into cliques which seem to be determined by the Principal's snotty, spoiled daughter Meredith. She's sorta of a Paris Hilton kind of thing, she's got a little dog and a group of idiot girls who follow her around. It turns out all the Bratz, who aren't the Bratz yet because this is the origin film, all have unique talents. Blondie plays soccer, one designs clothes, and the others do something or another, it doesn't really matter. So we have some kind of plot, they have a massive fight that turns into a food fight. Oh wait, the one that sings makes a bad impression on a sensitive hunk. But in a surprising twist he is also deaf. What's weird is he doesn't sound deaf and there's no real reason for him to be deaf. The bratz says "but you don't sound deaf" to which he replies "you don't sound ignorant" although it's obvious they will grow to like each other. But she's right, he doesn't sound deaf.
Two years go by for some reason. Again it makes no sense why it has to be two years later, it just is. I have to mention the creepy little brother of one of the bratz. He's probably thirteen or so but hits on what appears to be a nine or ten year old girl. It's just creepy. I forget why, but the evil Meredith decides to have a MTV hosted sweet sixteen party. She's even got circus performers and a fucking elephant. It's really the kind of party Caligula would have thrown if he was a rich teen transexual. For no reason Meredith performs a song complete with back up dancers and then rides the elephant around being mean to the bratz. At this point I'm thinking "shouldn't Moon Boy be reviewing this?" The Bratz get back together because one of their moms is dying or in jail, I don't remember. It's all to get to the teen movie staple: Talent show! They do the thing where one of the bratz bails on performing because Meredith is blackmailing her with info about one of their moms being a stripper or something. Maybe she stole a car, I don't remember. So they of course perform, competing against Meredith who does a great number about her pussy being magical or something. The audience loves the Bratz song about friendship and sticking up for your friend whose mom stole a car. One of them gets a scholarship and they get to go on MTV. So there you have it. There's about forty pop songs in this motherfucker and Khadeem Hardison. It needed to be a lot more crazy really, it's just not over the top enough. Oh yeah, Meredith is the one that names them THE BRATZ! after the elephant drops her in the pool. Seriously.
